I have absolutely no idea what is upsetting me so badly tonight. It’s a brand-new year and not to sound like a cliche, but the possibilities are endless for me right now. I’m going back to school in a few months, I’m on a path to a healthier lifestyle, and I just spent a week in Florida visiting my father, enjoying the Happiest Place on Earth, and even seeing my best friend for the first time since he’s moved away for a new job. On paper, I shouldn’t want to go back to messy, rainy DC by any stretch of the imagination.
And yet, I’ve spent the past two hours fighting tears in the airport terminal labeled 23, with my favorite band shouting at me through my headphones so I don’t have to hear my own thoughts anymore. I couldn’t care less that my flight is delayed, except for the fact that the longer I sit here, the harder it is to keep staring at the ceiling and counting to 100 over and over.
Is it because my best friend stopped answering me once again, a sign that he needs a break from me and my emotions for once in a blue moon? Is it because all I want to do when I’ve worked myself up like this is to call and just listen to his voice, a reminder of home a thousand miles away even when he’s just talking about his new job or the traffic on the highway or swearing at the unfortunate pirate that’s crossed his path in his video game? Or is it because I know that he’s got a thousand other things running through his mind and I am confident that I’m simply not one of them?
Could it be that I decided, in the fury of failed resolutions of New Year’s Past, to be more take-charge and leave no stone unturned? Could it be that once I started writing a letter to my ex-best friend asking him for, at the very least, some sort of closure, that I couldn’t stop? Could it be that a year ago, he would be the one I would consider calling, sniffling pathetically into the phone? Or could it be that I’m seriously contemplating the implication of just calling him still anyway?
Is it because I’ve run through my entire friend circle in my head and can’t find a single person I’m willing to burden with my blues? Is it because I’ve reached out to a couple of kids and I can’t bring myself to tell them just how terrible I’m feeling? Or really, is it just because in doing so, I can feel their apprehension in replying at all? Is it because it’s not the sympathy I’m looking for, but just the proverbial light in the storm?
It could just be the migraine I’ve been battling all day, using all of the strength I’ve got to fight the nausea that keeps threatening to keep me grounded permanently. It could mean that the power I utilize to keep my emotions in check is completely gone and sadness is finally fair game. Or it could be that I’m just emotionally tired from this entire ordeal, from realizing that my dad isn’t as young as I remembered him to be, and facing the reality of not knowing when I would be able to sit in comfortable silence with my best friend again.
Maybe I do know what’s upsetting me so badly, after all. Who knew opportunity could be so ostracizing? No one ever told me emotional living could be so lonely.
Here’s to 2014, y’all. Plane is boarded and I’m headed home, whatever that means.